From The S.F. Chronicle
By Mark Morford

Researchers are reporting that an experimental drug can mimic the results of an exercise regimen — with no exercise required. [Called "the couch potato experiment,"] after four weeks of taking the pill, mice who hadn’t worked out displayed a 44 percent increase in their running endurance. —Wired

1. Scientists at the Ronald Wilson Reagan School for Pschyoeconomic Paroxysms have reportedly developed a new drug that, after just a few weeks, induces random bouts of forgetfulness combined with the ability to reverse ideological direction in an instant, most notably when large amounts of cash are placed directly in front of the face.

Code-named “the McCain,” users report random outbreaks of very bad jokes coupled with an extremely combative nature, acute desire to detonate large explosive devices across multiple desert nations and a general feeling that the real problem with the world today is all the gul-dang gay young peacenik whippersnapper environmentalists who like to rub their iPods all over their Googles. Common prescription: “Take two McCains and call me in 1957.”

2. Following research at Harvard and McGill universities where scientists have been testing new drugs that “delete” bad memories, researchers in Washington, D.C., have found a new compound that tricks the brain into believing great progressive accomplishments are being made and tremendous strides have been taken to reverse all sorts of previous damage, when in fact very little has been done and mostly what’s happening is a lot of general whimpering wrapped in a great many false gestures, all while promising even more super-positive changes ahead, but if only someone really good steps in as leader and tells everyone what to do.

Read more New Drugs